Dear Jonny, We Beg For Your Advice…
Answer some (more) questions…
“You don’t have my IP address, so don’t even pretend that you do. You’re dead, motherfucker, You won’t even see it coming.”
– I can’t wait. Shoot me? Stab me? Beat me to death with a large group of friends brandishing handsome, well-polished axes? You’re either extraordinarily upset because I exposed your lack of manhood (a frustratingly easy task), or disturbed due to the fact that I made fun of the unashamedly whorish woman who sleeps next to you while wishing she was slithering atop me. Or…Did I insult your shamelessly bulimic, wondrously whorish sister (I sure hope so, kiddo; yum). Tell me more about the leaky bitch. Why, exactly, is she so comfortable with me railing your repugnant mother. God, I love the nasty, creamy goat (your mother). Have a swell day.
“I recently came across your awesome “We Were Bouncers” article
(http://www.shutupandlistentojon.com/commentary/the-real-roadhouse-we-were-bouncers/). It really does sound like that place was a hell hole. I just started bouncing myself, but at an upscale club with a relaxed clientele. No broken bottles slicing out eyeballs or any of the shit you had to deal with. But I did notice that there are ALWAYS huge brawls at the Denny’s down the street after the club has shut down. Why do you think that is?”
– The Denny’s confrontations of which you speak are generally a result of many not-so-interesting factors, such as: It’s been a long night of aggressive posturing, boozing, and coking-up at various sketchy establishments. Foggy brains seek convenient nourishment from sugar and grease served by depressing people in a well-shined shithole filled with bad energy and lots of volatile come-downs. Somewhere in the mix a blabbering, emotionally adolescent jackass decides to stir up drama because it’s his/her only talent. Insecure dimwit wankstas act on the drama because they’re dim and insecure. Suddenly you’re witnessing something like an urban Viking battle, minus the skill, motive, and strategy. That about sums it up.
“Ever since my older brother changed his major to literature he’s turned into a pseudo-intellectual dickwad that favors quoting Henry David Thoreau while smoking a (retarded looking!) pipe and telling me how little I know about the world in general. He’s also telling everyone that he plans to build a cabin (he can’t build shit) deep in the woods to escape “the ravages of society.” I’m beginning to hate him. What should I do?”
– Tell him that Thoreau’s mother did his laundry while he was staying in the cabin, which, contrary to popular belief, was not deep in the wilderness but on the edge of town, less than two miles from the family home. That should shut him up. If it doesn’t, you can always sneak some Salvia into his pipe, then slap him around while he’s tripping his ass off.
“I tend to eat crunchy peanut butter and dill pickle sandwiches when I’m stressed out. Is that weird?”
– Not nearly as weird as the sandwich my ex-girlfriend’s father used to eat on a regular basis while he was completely relaxed: Fried bologna and peach preserves piled high between two pieces of white bread, then dunked into buttermilk and drizzled with Hershey’s chocolate syrup. Unsurprisingly, he had a fatal heart attack some years ago.
“My wife says she needs some time and space away from our four years of marriage because her inner child is craving new horizons. What does that mean?”
– It sounds like a gargantuan load of disgustingly narcissistic bullshit. In my mind, “inner child craving brand new horizons” = “inner whore craving brand new dick.” She probably has her sights set on the t.v. repair guy, if she hasn’t slept with him already, though she’s obviously trying to pass everything off as a touchy-feely metaphor for an inherent need for personal growth. If I were you I’d tell her inner child to go die in a ditch, then have a few beers and possibly a nice Cuban cigar while insulting greasy strippers. There will be plenty of time to reflect on things down the road.
“What do you think of people who don’t respect animals?”
– Humans are animals with laughably large egos which lead us to believe that we’re more deserving than the undeniably innocent beings who exist on the lower end of the totem pole we’ve created to advertise our supposed superiority. Anyone who lacks respect for the rest of the life forms on this planet needs to be tossed into a large tank teaming with half-starved great white sharks surrounded by a plethora of pissed off electric eels. That should put everything into perspective quite nicely.
“Lethal injection or the firing squad?”
– Shoot me. I’m bored with poison.