Dear Jonny, We Demand Answers…
Answer some (more) questions…
“I know this reeks of cliche but my asshole neighbor is constantly walking his hulking German Shepherd on my front lawn, where it never fails to take a gigantic shit. This has been happening twice a day since I moved in exactly six years ago today, and I just can’t handle it anymore. It’s driving me crazy, Jonny. Cleaning up all the shit. I know I should say something (should have said something YEARS ago) but I’ve never been the confrontational type. To be honest, I’m sort of a pussy. Any ideas?”
– Let’s get some facts straight before tackling the ideas. Twice per day for six years means you’ve cleaned up your neighbor’s dog shit 4,380 times. A “hulking” German Shepherd weighs in at around 88 pounds, which means he annually produces about 600 pounds of solid waste, which means you’ve picked up somewhere in the neighborhood of 3,600 pounds of feces since you moved into your current residence. That’s considerably heavier than a Prius, which tells me you either A) Have a latent dog shit fetish, or B) You are much, much more of a pussy than “sort of a pussy.” If A) is the case, consider contacting a qualified mental health professional. If we’re dealing with B), fucking grow a pair and tell the guy to piss off (a thirty second exchange may very well save you from another six years of palming poop). And if [for whatever pathological reason] you find these options unrealistic, you should at the very least begin taking sizable craps on HIS lawn, covert ops-style, in the middle of the night. That said, I’m through talking shit.
“My girlfriend has a disgusting habit of eating Miracle Whip out of the jar with her fingers. She’ll go through half a jar or more in one sitting and…(displaying the remainder of the question was deemed unnecessary by Jon)”
– Dump her immediately and never look back.
“I’m a classy girl from a wealthy, well-respected family. I’m fashionable, attractive, well-educated, well-spoken and well-traveled. So please, please, PLEASE shed some light on why I have such a terrible track record with winding up in nightmarish relationships with brutish, abusive assholes.”
– While I covered my opinions on such matters in an earlier article (http://www.shutupandlistentojon.com/commentary/the-asshole-equation-why-women-want-what-they-want/), in this particular instance I’m inclined to think that despite your respectable background and well-polished exterior, you, for whatever – possibly subconscious – reason(s), don’t have a particularly high opinion of yourself, which leads you into unhealthy relationships with abusive men who have no qualms with pointing out your “faults.” In other words, you invite the abuse because you feel it’s deserved; a glutton for punishment. That, I believe, is the why of this matter.
“I really, really have a thing for my neighbor. But here’s the deal: She’s an unemployed herbalist, she’s not really attractive, she’s a strict vegan but she drinks organic wine like crazy and smokes a ton of weed. Also, she came right out and told me she outright refuses to have sex again until she gets married (she already has two kids from previous relationships but has since decided to wait until she finds someone to marry before having sex again). But there’s something about her that I honestly find very appealing. I enjoy her company very much. What do you think, Jonny?”
– I think it sounds like a match made in heaven. You should propose to her right away.
“My husband of ten years has pretty much always had what he calls a ‘cheating problem,’ but he says he’s willing to go to couple’s therapy if things don’t eventually improve. Thoughts?”
– If things don’t improve for who? For you? For him? It seems that he’s a grandiose, manipulative, shamelessly self-indulgent sack of shit, and it seems that you’ve wasted a decade of your life.
“Do you think it’s acceptable to throw your spaghetti and meatballs on a girl, in the middle of a first date, if she says ‘You’re a noisy eater. I hate noisy eaters, so quiet things down or this date is over, kiddo.’?”
– Only if you’re a good shot, the plate is full, and she’s wearing a nice dress.