Dear Jonny, We Need Some Answers Here…
Answer some (more) questions…
“Last weekend at the club some huge guy repeatedly slapped the ass of the woman I was on a second date with. He was a lot bigger than me and I was sort of drunk, or else I would have taken a swing at him. In the end we just ended up leaving and my date was very upset that I didn’t stick up for her. I kept telling her that I might have gone to jail for assault or some of his friends might have jumped in to really give me a beating. I told her that under the circumstances leaving was the right thing to do. What do you think, Jonny?”
– I think you are trying desperately to justify how you behaved under the influence of fear, because after weighing on the situation you feel like a bit of a coward. It’s true that smashing him in the face could have produced any number of unpleasant situations. On the other hand, you would probably have strutted home confidently, to untold amounts of wild “You’re my brave hero!!” type of sex; assuming, that is, he didn’t stab you in the throat or knock you unconscious in front of the entire club (I’ve seen both things happen). Bottom line: Jumping in to defend some chick’s ‘honor’ via swinging wildly at a guy who can – and will – almost certainly kick your ass, is treacherous territory. It’s not really worth it unless you care for/respect the girl. How much can you care for/respect a girl on a second date? If your answer is “A lot,” then next time put everything you have into a haymaker and aim for his fucking nose. He’ll drop.
“My girlfriend is a real bitch, man. She’s always bitching about every little thing I do, and when she isn’t bitching about that she’s being a bitch about everything and everyone else. Bitch, bitch bitch. What can I do about this?”
– Quit bitching and find a new girlfriend.
“Lately my boss has been saying “The weakness I hear in your voice is limiting your success in our fast paced environment.” He says it constantly, even though my job has nothing to do with talking. I sit behind a computer all day, entering data. Weakness in my voice? What gives?”
– I think your boss is an arrogant, insecure, condescending prick who is capitalizing on an opportunity to lord over someone he views as unlikely to stand up for himself. It is, of course, his job to scrutinize your work performance, but the “weakness I hear in your voice” line is, I think, a highly unprofessional, downright dickhead way by which he is attempting to establish his position as an alpha male. Even though he’s probably just projecting his own feelings of inadequacy, in your position I would still be tempted to say something like “Speaking of weak voices, considering what I managed to stuff down her throat last night, I’ll bet your wife can barely manage a whisper.” If you choose this route, it would be best to have an alternate means of income.
“From a guy to a guy, do you think there’s anything wrong with going out with the guys for a modest amount of drinking and shenanigans, once or twice a month?”
– To ask such a question speaks volumes about how whipped you must be. If you’re seriously involved with a woman who is guilt-tripping you for letting loose – for being a guy – that infrequently, you need to drastically reevaluate the condition of your testicles. It doesn’t sound as if they’re in working order.
“Why don’t you discuss politics and more pressing human issues more often?”
– As I said in an earlier article: “Democrat, Republican, liberal, conservative, etc. These words mean nothing to me. They’re clever terms designed to instill commoners with the firm belief that A) There exists a line that wholly differentiates their group from everyone else’s, thereby lending them the illusion of belonging to something greater than themselves, and B) They actually have a say in the face of the ruling elite. Which they don’t.” As for why I don’t discuss other “pressing human issues” more often, it’s generally because I believe the human race has a propensity to grossly inflate their worth as a species. We revel in the proverbial spotlight because arrogance coupled with ego has led us to believe that, as the dominant species on a speck of cosmic dirt, we somehow deserve all the attention. I won’t subscribe to that. I don’t think we’re particularly important. And I can’t help but chuckle in the face of anyone who believes otherwise.
“I need to go on a crash diet for the next three weeks, to look as good as possible for an upcoming family reunion. Admittedly I’ve eaten poorly and gone without exercising for five or six years now. But I’m committed to change and I really want to make an immediate impression on people next month.”
– If you’re sincerely committed to change, your physical appearance at this family reunion should be of little concern. Changes like this are meant to come slowly and evenly over time. Starving yourself for the next three weeks so you can showcase precisely who you haven’t been for the last six years, is bullshit behavior. Of all people, your family should accept you regardless of your waist measurement. If they don’t, they’re assholes. That said, there’s no reason you can’t begin to eat healthfully at this point. You might even lose a few pounds before the reunion rolls around. But forget the last minute crash dieting. Don’t YOU be the asshole.
“My boyfriend won’t take my arachnophobia seriously. He’s constantly putting rubber spiders in my bed and in my shoes. If not there, he’s stuffing them into my glove box or cramming them in my pockets. I know you probably think it’s funny, but it really scares the shit out of me. Ideas?”