Dear Jonny, We’re Keeping The Questions Rolling…
Answer some (more) questions…
My boyfriend has a strange hatred of milk. He won’t even eat anything that has milk in it. Bringing it up makes him gag. What gives?
He probably has lactophobia, a fear of milk. You should take him out for a night on the town, get him extremely intoxicated, and then see to it that he passes out in a securely-locked room with no windows. Surround his sleeping body with twenty or thirty gallon jugs of varying types of milk (whole, buttermilk, half and half, etc.). Fill glasses to the brim and place them randomly throughout the room. Pour milk onto the floor (nothing a good mopping won’t cure), forming alarmingly large, oddly-shaped puddles. Lastly, dump it all over his torso before tossing a half gallon or so of raw, unpasteurized milk into the funnel you’ve just placed in his mouth; a fine coup de grace. He will probably wake up the moment it begins to choke him, so run. And lock the door. His subconscious may deter him from an all-out psychotic episode, because indulging that reaction would fling milk everywhere, making the situation considerably worse. Let him do his thing, whatever that may be, until you can no longer hear his pathetic sobbing and screams. Then open the door. He should be sufficiently cured.
I’m 23, but still often get confused for a high school kid. My dating life has hit a standstill b/c of it. How might I deal with such a situation?
Purchase and wear a nice, handsome watch (no plastic or digital face). Avoid wearing athletic wear outside of the gym. Make sure that your clothes match, fit well, and have a clean-cut, professional look. If possible, grow a goatee and see that you groom it regularly. Look women in the eye, speak clearly and to the point, and attempt to maintain a confident, “in charge” demeanor at all times. That’s a good start.
Recently I hit a wall at the gym. I took off a few weeks thinking that maybe I was overtraining, but I’m just not able to summon my normal workout intensity. What I guess I’m saying is that I really need something to give me a boost. Something effective but safe. Do you have any suggestions? Thanks.
I sure do: http://www.shutupandlistentojon.com/exercisenutrition/muscle-marinade-its-still-soaking-in/
My girlfriend has transformed into a huge bitch over the last…Christ, has it been FOUR MONTHS? Yes it has. Nevermind, this shit is over.
LOL, Here is a man who knows how to solve his own problems. Two thumbs up for your good, old-fashioned logic.
Do you think humanity is fucked? If we are, is that tragic?
Unless the majority of humans on earth – as well as the forthcoming generations – are willing to make a collective effort to immediately, radically, and permanently alter the way they live their lives, yes, I think we’re pretty much fucked as a species. Tragic? Only in the sense of what might have been. But this is it. Here we are. And that’s that. Ultimately, our extinction would be an enormous sigh of relief for the planet, as well as every other living thing upon it. Perhaps that’s the real tragedy.
Do you think that under certain circumstances it’s ok to cheat on your taxes?
Lmao, It’s nice to know that the IRS has taken a shine to my website.
What do you recommend for the girl who has everything?
Many slaps to the face.
This guy I just started seeing is coming over for a movie date night. He asked me to rent something old school and I really don’t want to screw things up by picking something crappy. What should I get?
Rent Goodfellas. Any red-blooded American male who doesn’t have a complete love affair with that movie has a pussy where his soul should be. If he isn’t impressed, kick his ass to the curb and then go pig out on well-buttered linguine, meatballs smothered in marinara, and a damn good Cabernet. You’ll feel better.
Is it weird that on a daily basis I watch DuckTales reruns as a single man in my mid forties?
Not necessarily. I loved that show as a child, and I suspect most of us have a secret longing to return to a simpler, more innocent time; a service cartoons temporarily provide. That said, it probably has a lot to do with why you’re single.
What do you think of country music?
What do you think of stuffing giant, acid-spitting hornets into your ears?