Dear Jonny, What Kind Of Woman Dates You?
What kind of woman dates you?
Well, my current girlfriend is funny, sweet, adorable, sexy, fit, athletic (sort of), non-emotionally-insane, and will have her PhD long before she’s thirty. But that’s certainly not the way it’s always been. After many years of observation and resulting experimentation, I’ve learned that most women who are willing to date me either A) Assume I’m a brainless, muscled-up boy toy/asshole and therefore want nothing but sex, or B) Are looking for some sort of protector as a consequence of having been in and out of countless shitty relationships with brainless, muscled-up boy toy/assholes. Ultimately, neither situation has proven successful. In fact, the end result has often been more than slightly hazardous to my immediate health. For instance, I once dated an utterly psychotic stripper who had a curious – if not extremely alarming – habit of going after my jugular with a pair of stainless steel knitting needles on every occasion I said “You probably wouldn’t be so fucking crazy if you weren’t a stripper.” Another girl (a self-proclaimed “freelance exotic dancer” who chewed Valium more often than gum) had a proclivity to sleep-talking about using an array of rusted garden tools to unsuccessfully chop up a long-ago ex-girlfriend she then sunk in a remote body of water. Upon awakening, she would consistently insist that her “dream talk” was merely an unrealized fantasy. Seeing a trend? I didn’t. And if it wasn’t those sorts of girls, it was either ever-so-sly, nymphomaniac cougars looking to add spice to their lackluster lives via jumping the bones of unsuspecting gym rats half their age, or a [former] high school beauty queen spiraling the drain while looking for a shoulder to cry on as she regurgitated some faux tragic tale about her musclebound ex-boyfriend’s abusive personality….Until, tears dried, she’d say with a whimper….”What big muscles you have”…All the more to hate you with. Hehe. That said, I consider myself lucky at the moment. For obvious reasons, I try to avoid reflection.