Convenient Delusions: How To Be A Fatass In Denial
At the sound of your alarm, shoot up out of bed. After your bathroom routine, head to the kitchen. Prepare and eat a piece of buttered toast, three slices of bacon, an egg or two, and a glass of orange juice. Tell yourself that this macronutrient combination will leave you well-nourished and ready for the day. Feel proud over the vitamins in your sugary O.J. Then head to work. At about 9:30 a.m., when you begin to yawn and feel unexpectedly sleepy, purchase and consume a soft drink. Now rejuvenated with additional sugar and some caffeine, commence your routine. Here and there, almost without realizing it, eat a few pieces of chocolate, some chips, or whatever else you have stuffed into your desk drawer. “How can it be that my stomach is growling?” you wonder. At noon, rise from your cubicle and head, with almost everyone else from the office, to one of the many nearby eating establishments. Order a side salad with your cheeseburger and French fries, and sweeten your tea with some artificial, calorie-free chemical powder. Feel good about taking those steps toward a more healthful you. Then head back to the office. At about 3:30 p.m., consume a second soft drink, to help you with that push toward 5 o’clock. Maybe munch of a few pretzels as well. “They’re fat-free,” you tell yourself. On the drive home, pass the gym you haven’t set foot in for longer than you’d like to admit. “I just haven’t had the time,” you think. Pull into your driveway, walk through your front door, and go straight for a beer. Then plop down into your favorite chair, flip on the tube, and zone out while your spouse finishes with dinner. Drink a few more brews. When the food is ready, make a conscious effort to eat one less piece of garlic bread with your steak and mashed potatoes dinner. When dessert rolls around, tell your spouse that you want a slightly smaller piece of pie. Then head back to your chair for some additional television, where you’ll notice that your head is heavy and tired and ready for sleep. Head up stairs, brush your teeth, climb into bed, and, right before slipping into dreamland, think: “I’m so stuffed. I won’t eat as much tomorrow.” Sleep. Wake. Repeat routine.
By Jon Neralich