Predators: Brody Versus Arnie
“Predator” is a perfect film. “Predators” pays homage to that film quite well. But after talking over the subtle intricacies of the latter movie with a few friends of mine, here is why I’ve come to detest it: It suggests that Arnold Schwarzenegger, when compared to piano-playing Adrien Brody, is an absolute pussy. Here’s why: In the original “Predator”, Arnold’s character, Dutch, leads a team of beyond-super-elite covert military badasses; the cream o’ the black-ops crop. They’re experienced, organized, close-knit, and altogether familiar with one another’s various behavioral patterns. Yet when they go up against a single Predator, it toys with them, has its fun, fucks them up, wipes out all but Arnie, and then ever-so-casually kicks the ever-loving shit out of him in a crude, jungle-themed boxing match. Blind luck brings Dutch victory in the end, and when the chopper flies him out of the charred, smoking, freshly-nuked trees, he appears all but brain dead. Now, let’s look at “Predators.” A bunch of disorganized, disillusioned, disoriented strangers from violent yet separate walks of life are dropped onto a demoralizing mystery planet, where, half-way led by an Adrien Brody on far too few steroids, they’re somehow able to work through their differences in sufficient time to rise up against the SUPER Predators (who make the old-school-type Predators their bitches), kill THREE of them, and still manage to have both the pianist and his new girlfriend left at the end, making cutesy small talk while seeming ready for anything. Sigh. By that rationale, The Terminator, Jesse Ventura (make that TWO governors), Apollo Creed, and the rest of the legendary ‘Original Predator’ team, were complete pussies in comparison to a loud-mouthed murderer/rapist, a near-mute with an old sword, some whiny chick, a piano player, and whoever the hell else was there. And that makes me weep.
By Jon Neralich