Twilight Isn’t Bright: 10 Reasons Why Edward Sucks
Because my girlfriend could double for a Keebler elf, her cuteness sometimes gets to me; and, in weaker moments, I somehow find myself giving in to her estrogen-soaked needs. So, yes, I’ve seen the “Twilight'” movies. Shameful, to be sure, but we must learn from our gravest errors, lest we do the same stupid shit again. That said, in the event that you are lucky enough to have missed these p.o.s sagas, let me enlighten you as to why Edward, the star of the show, is the worst thing to happen to vampires since….Ever.
1. His EYEBROWS resemble metrosexual bat wings, waiting for the opportune time to flap, flap, flap, until Ed’s fish-belly-colored head detaches from those scrawny, well-padded shoulders. Pluck those things, you pansy asshole.
2. He looks like an ALBINO ANOREXIC. A gaunt figure and marble-like complexion aren’t normal or healthy, and since Eddie is supposedly about “fitting in”, why doesn’t he acquaint himself with the weight room, slap on some make-up, and invest in a few cases of spray-on tan?..Which brings me to my next point..
3. Edward GLISTENS LIKE DIAMONDS in the sunlight. Bram Stoker would shit his grave. The sun’s rays turn vampires into piles of smoldering charcoal; they do not, however, enhance their aesthetic appeal via providing them with the eye-pleasing sparkle of rare jewels. This is vampire law. And someone needs to burn for such a desecration.
4. He picks the LEAST PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE, most emotionally fucked up girl on campus. I’m somehow reminded of Bill Clinton’s seduction of Monica Lewinsky. Except, of course, Edward isn’t getting laid + his girlfriend is clearly into tanned muscle worship (Jacob), which makes his faux asshole/”Let’s play mind games”-type behavior, monumentally more pathetic.
5. He WON’T FEED ON HUMANS. Edward’s refusal to eat human beings is very much a metaphor for the widespread state of emotional self-indulgence that is commonplace in today’s ever-pussifying teenage society. “But if I eat a person, it might hurt their feelings….” Vampires are evil, indifferent, ravenous rogues. And they don’t give two buffalo shits about how humans feel.
6. Edward FLIES HIS WHINY GIRLFRIEND UP INTO A TREE, to discuss teeny-bopper love and other hopelessly inane crap. He should have dropped her.
7. He’s been ALIVE FOR MORE THAN A HUNDRED YEARS – plenty of time for education – yet chooses to attend high school with a bunch of know-nothing, purely superficial, drama-indulging teenagers? Why? Perhaps he needed a century to learn geometry? Maybe to make intelligent, thought-provoking friends? Or was it that he wanted to feel part of something as important and meaningful as a high school in the sticks? No, no, and hell no.
8. He WATCHES BELLA WHILE SHE SLEEPS, and stalks her after basically saying “Fuck off.” Infatuation, insecurity, and mixed signals. This is serial killer behavior; and while it would have been cool to watch him murder Bella, instead he just mopes around, sparkles, and doesn’t get sex.
9. JACOB IS INFINITELY MORE AWESOME THAN EDWARD. Proof:
10. He didn’t SUDDENLY REALIZE ALL OF THE ABOVE, say, “I suck,” then allow one of those steroid-injected werewolves to tear out his age-old emo throat. Fuck you, Edward.
By Jon Neralich