11

My Bicycle Has A Motor

My name is Dick. I’m forty-five years old, married with two children, work as a regional manager for a telemarketing company, and have a gargantuan protruding stomach. My interests include Bud Light, nachos, Tiger...

10

Cyber Sluts

Recently, while I’ve been Googling things such as “Nymphomaniac Asian midgets with infected fingernail fetishes,” my computer has fallen victim to copious amounts of popups in the form of messages which are supposedly sent...

9

9/11: Remember Their Pain

Over the course of the last few days I’ve heard numerous people regurgitate the idea that weighing too heavily on the morbid nature of 9/11 in some way prevents us from moving forward as...

5

Dear Jonny, We’re Being Pussies…

Dear Jonny, Answer some (more) questions… – Readers Dear Readers, “What do I do about the painful blisters and unsightly calluses forming on my hands as a result of the new gym routine I’m...

7

Out Of The Depths

On August 12, 2000, a quantity of highly concentrated Hydrogen peroxide leaked from a poorly wielded torpedo, making contact with an unknown amount of rust. The result: Several explosions with the combined equivalent force...

9

Life Is Hell

A Nevada state trooper of fifteen years eases his newly detailed cruiser off a stretch of lonely, moonlit highway, coming to a halt on the dusty shoulder of Interstate 15. He is tense and...

8

Dear Jonny, We Beg For Your Advice…

Dear Jonny, Answer some (more) questions… – Readers Dear Readers, “You don’t have my IP address, so don’t even pretend that you do. You’re dead, motherfucker, You won’t even see it coming.” – I...

12

Sick Burn

I recently received the following message: August 11, 2012 at 8:22 pm Mandy says: “Let me explain something to you, you godawful human being. My boyfriend seems to think that you’re some sort of...

10

Observations On A Rainy Day

1. An offensively attractive single woman showcasing every last nuance of her nipples while promenading through a grocery store in a rain-soaked blouse, wouldn’t know how to react if you approached her with your...

11

A Greater Pain

Some weeks ago, while drunkenly chasing my hellion of a cat, Hellwood, I stubbed my toe, quite horribly, on a door jamb. The pain was immediate, excruciating, and, above all else, extraordinarily annoying. Without...

11

The Armchair Expert Olympics

The Olympics provides us with an opportunity to observe many of earth’s finest athletes scoff at the physical limitations of mere mortals while battling for honor and glory, both individually and for their countries....

8

Dear Jonny, Eternal Questions…

Dear Jonny, Answer some (more) questions… – Readers   Dear Readers, “While I don’t think being an asshole all the time is very nice, why the hell is it so much damn fun sometimes?”...

9

Of Coffee And Fritos

Earlier this morning I trudged, zombie-like, into a nearby coffee chain, my brain in dire need of swift and heavy caffeination after a long night of frantic, booze-fueled writing. While waiting in line, battling...

9

A Dark (K)Night

One moment you’re sitting comfortably beside your twenty-something son in a large, crowded movie theater, popcorn and soda in hand, while the two of you peer wondrously at the silver screen as it showcases...

You’re An Atheist?!: “Give Me A Fucking Break!!” 8

You’re An Atheist?!: “Give Me A Fucking Break!!”

[youtube width=”625″ height=”544″]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8Aq00yJSxo[/youtube] First off, the woman in this clip is a monumentally sick, manipulative, shamelessly evil cunt of the first order; one who deserves to be ever-so-slowly drowned in a barrel of rancid...

6

From A-Z(zholes)‏

As of late, it seems that I’ve been crossing paths with a particularly hefty amount of shockingly annoying assholes, the majority of whom have come across as being comically oblivious to the sheer magnitude...

9

The Top Ten Reasons Heat Waves Suck

Lately it’s been hot; oppressively, loathsomely, horridly hot. Abominably hot. Revoltingly hot. Soul-crushingly hot. Fucking hot. That said, there are a multitude of reasons to detest the heat. Here, for instance, are ten of...

5

Dear Jonny, Let’s Talk…

Dear Jonny, Answer some (more) questions… – Readers Dear Readers, “What was it like breaking up with the girl in your “Diary Of A Crazy Bitch?’” – It was pretty insanely horrific, now that...

9

The Curious Friendship Of Otto And Clyde: Session 2‏

Otto: It’s great to be here again, Dr. Clyde. I’ve really, REALLY been looking forward to this meeting. You well? Clyde: I’m marvelous. Simply marvelous. But my god, man, what on earth has happened...