Tagged: Commentary

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History Revealed

Why was Forrest Gump’s mother as hopelessly idiotic as her son? Because of her lame-brained contention that looking at someone’s shoes tells you where they’re going and where they’ve been. Case in point: a...

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Top Ten Reasons To Jerk-Off Instead

Recently I read an article that explored the growing population of American men who are electing to forego dating/sex in favor of watching pornography, as the latter is more convenient, cheaper, safer, and considerably...

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Daze Of The Week

MONDAYS are comparable to suddenly having your throat slit by a toothless gutter whore under the influence of the LSD her pimp slipped into her banana split while she gave an El Salvadorian cook...

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Stranger Conversations: The Third Experiment

As of late, I’ve been encountering a particularly prodigious number of needlessly rude, stupid, and/or annoying assholes, which has led me to revert to one of my more rewarding behaviors: Suddenly accosting them with...

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By The Numbers

The average adult human brain weighs three pounds, contains 150 billion neurons, has certain neural impulses that can travel as fast as 250 miles per hour, and generates sufficient wattage – between 10 and...

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Baby Robots

From what I understand, these robotic infants are designed to mimic many of the behaviors of their flesh-and-blood counterparts. In other words, they randomly piss, shit, puke, and cry while you’re trying desperately to...

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“What About Dessert?”

There’s something profoundly disturbing about watching a shamelessly obese human being wolf down an entire block of cheddar during lunch break, especially if said person is dunking it greedily into a large jar of...

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Greetings And Salutations

On nearly every occasion that I find myself accidentally wasting countless hours prowling appallingly sketchy adult sites, it’s only a matter of time before my screen is continually assaulted by pop-up after horrendous pop-up...

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Vegetarian Bacon

“Vegetarian bacon” – It’s pretty much impossible to pair those two words without coming across as a total asshole. There is nothing remotely vegetable-like about fatty, greasy, salty, smokey flesh cut from a glassy-eyed...

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Stupid Americans

Sometimes, while standing amid an encompassing barrage of loud, mindless, shamelessly self-important Americans talking ceaselessly yet saying nothing of value, I’m suddenly struck with the notion that, as a whole, we are nothing more...

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The Top Ten Things To Say To Terrify A Random Old Lady

10. “Pardon me, you horny skeleton, but if you looked a wee bit more like my dead grandfather, Captain Leaky Trousers, I’d be willing to briskly rub down your inner thighs with fragrant truffle...

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Split Personalities

The duality of our personalities guarantees that we’ll have moments of both unbridled glory and unspeakable shame. I, for one, have experienced plenty of each. Here, for instance, are two of them: Glory: Some...

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Starring The Disturbed Badass And The Promiscuous Blonde‏

Promiscuous Blond: “Let’s fuck.” Disturbed Badass: “You’re a wholly artificial, despicably diseased, predictable, shallow, boorish, uneducated, unworldly, uncivilized, uncouth, and unacceptably mean-spirited excuse for a pathetically putrid dumpster whore. I detest you, your ceaseless...

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My Bicycle Has A Motor

My name is Dick. I’m forty-five years old, married with two children, work as a regional manager for a telemarketing company, and have a gargantuan protruding stomach. My interests include Bud Light, nachos, Tiger...

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Cyber Sluts

Recently, while I’ve been Googling things such as “Nymphomaniac Asian midgets with infected fingernail fetishes,” my computer has fallen victim to copious amounts of popups in the form of messages which are supposedly sent...

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9/11: Remember Their Pain

Over the course of the last few days I’ve heard numerous people regurgitate the idea that weighing too heavily on the morbid nature of 9/11 in some way prevents us from moving forward as...

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Observations On A Rainy Day

1. An offensively attractive single woman showcasing every last nuance of her nipples while promenading through a grocery store in a rain-soaked blouse, wouldn’t know how to react if you approached her with your...

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A Greater Pain

Some weeks ago, while drunkenly chasing my hellion of a cat, Hellwood, I stubbed my toe, quite horribly, on a door jamb. The pain was immediate, excruciating, and, above all else, extraordinarily annoying. Without...

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The Armchair Expert Olympics

The Olympics provides us with an opportunity to observe many of earth’s finest athletes scoff at the physical limitations of mere mortals while battling for honor and glory, both individually and for their countries....