Tagged: list

7

The Top Ten Things To Say To Terrify A Random Old Lady

10. “Pardon me, you horny skeleton, but if you looked a wee bit more like my dead grandfather, Captain Leaky Trousers, I’d be willing to briskly rub down your inner thighs with fragrant truffle...

10

Observations On A Rainy Day

1. An offensively attractive single woman showcasing every last nuance of her nipples while promenading through a grocery store in a rain-soaked blouse, wouldn’t know how to react if you approached her with your...

6

From A-Z(zholes)‏

As of late, it seems that I’ve been crossing paths with a particularly hefty amount of shockingly annoying assholes, the majority of whom have come across as being comically oblivious to the sheer magnitude...

9

The Top Ten Reasons Heat Waves Suck

Lately it’s been hot; oppressively, loathsomely, horridly hot. Abominably hot. Revoltingly hot. Soul-crushingly hot. Fucking hot. That said, there are a multitude of reasons to detest the heat. Here, for instance, are ten of...

6

Ten People Who Make Mondays Even Fucking Worse

Though Monday mornings are a little slice of hell on earth, over time one can – with supreme patience and fortitude of character – manage to acclimate to the hellish conditions. Unfortunately, there will...

5

You Deserve To Be Drowned In Festering Sewage If…

They say that one should never judge a book by its cover, but if you’re staring dead-eyed through the smoke of your Marlboro while using a tightly rolled Hustler magazine to beat your morbidly...

4

Ten New Year’s Resolutions You’ll Never Hear

1. “I’m going to develop a nasty cocaine habit to help me deal with my hectic schedule, gradually increase the dosage over time, then suffer a fatal overdose ten years from now while receiving...

5

20 Things You’ve Never Said During Sex…

TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND/WIFE… – “I’m not who you think I am. I killed that guy a long time ago, then buried him in the backyard. My real name is Frankfurt.” – “I’ve been cheating...

9

20 Things I Am Thankful For

1. I am thankful that I am not in jail for having been arrested for trespassing on my own property. 2. I am thankful for having an unnaturally thick skull that has saved my...