Tagged: Men

7

Top Ten Reasons To Jerk-Off Instead

Recently I read an article that explored the growing population of American men who are electing to forego dating/sex in favor of watching pornography, as the latter is more convenient, cheaper, safer, and considerably...

10

By The Numbers

The average adult human brain weighs three pounds, contains 150 billion neurons, has certain neural impulses that can travel as fast as 250 miles per hour, and generates sufficient wattage – between 10 and...

8

Baby Robots

From what I understand, these robotic infants are designed to mimic many of the behaviors of their flesh-and-blood counterparts. In other words, they randomly piss, shit, puke, and cry while you’re trying desperately to...

6

Shitting On Her Heart

I have a surprisingly clear memory of exchanging Valentine’s Day cards in elementary school. One raven-haired, Crayon-chomping vixen struck me as particularly alluring, so I took great care in scribbling “Will you be my...

7

Soror-spit-y Girls

I despise uppity sorority girls who dare to openly scoff at me after I’ve absentmindedly spit upon their shoes as they power walk in overly-perfumed hordes through public parks. In reality, they should be...

6

Greetings And Salutations

On nearly every occasion that I find myself accidentally wasting countless hours prowling appallingly sketchy adult sites, it’s only a matter of time before my screen is continually assaulted by pop-up after horrendous pop-up...

8

Crazy Bitch: Entry Six

An insane ex-girlfriend. A journal found. Published here and dissected by Jon for your enjoyment. Welcome back, friends, to “Diary Of A Crazy Bitch.” November 12 – “I finally had dinner with my family...

6

Summer’s End

There is my brain: pink, pulpy, and splattered across the living room wall. That paranoid neighbor of ours no doubt heard the blast. He’s probably dialing 911 this very moment. Before long the police...

7

Door Matt

While wolfing down gigantic chunks of perfectly charred beef on Saturday afternoon, I overhead a particularly foul-looking woman use her shrill, piercing voice to scream the following into her cell phone, after casually sipping...

8

Starring The Disturbed Badass And The Promiscuous Blonde‏

Promiscuous Blond: “Let’s fuck.” Disturbed Badass: “You’re a wholly artificial, despicably diseased, predictable, shallow, boorish, uneducated, unworldly, uncivilized, uncouth, and unacceptably mean-spirited excuse for a pathetically putrid dumpster whore. I detest you, your ceaseless...

10

Cyber Sluts

Recently, while I’ve been Googling things such as “Nymphomaniac Asian midgets with infected fingernail fetishes,” my computer has fallen victim to copious amounts of popups in the form of messages which are supposedly sent...

5

Dear Jonny, We’re Being Pussies…

Dear Jonny, Answer some (more) questions… – Readers Dear Readers, “What do I do about the painful blisters and unsightly calluses forming on my hands as a result of the new gym routine I’m...

9

Life Is Hell

A Nevada state trooper of fifteen years eases his newly detailed cruiser off a stretch of lonely, moonlit highway, coming to a halt on the dusty shoulder of Interstate 15. He is tense and...

8

Dear Jonny, We Beg For Your Advice…

Dear Jonny, Answer some (more) questions… – Readers Dear Readers, “You don’t have my IP address, so don’t even pretend that you do. You’re dead, motherfucker, You won’t even see it coming.” – I...

12

Sick Burn

I recently received the following message: August 11, 2012 at 8:22 pm Mandy says: “Let me explain something to you, you godawful human being. My boyfriend seems to think that you’re some sort of...

10

Observations On A Rainy Day

1. An offensively attractive single woman showcasing every last nuance of her nipples while promenading through a grocery store in a rain-soaked blouse, wouldn’t know how to react if you approached her with your...

8

Dear Jonny, Eternal Questions…

Dear Jonny, Answer some (more) questions… – Readers   Dear Readers, “While I don’t think being an asshole all the time is very nice, why the hell is it so much damn fun sometimes?”...

9

Of Coffee And Fritos

Earlier this morning I trudged, zombie-like, into a nearby coffee chain, my brain in dire need of swift and heavy caffeination after a long night of frantic, booze-fueled writing. While waiting in line, battling...

6

From A-Z(zholes)‏

As of late, it seems that I’ve been crossing paths with a particularly hefty amount of shockingly annoying assholes, the majority of whom have come across as being comically oblivious to the sheer magnitude...