Tagged: Shut Up And Listen To Jon

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History Revealed

Why was Forrest Gump’s mother as hopelessly idiotic as her son? Because of her lame-brained contention that looking at someone’s shoes tells you where they’re going and where they’ve been. Case in point: a...

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Top Ten Reasons To Jerk-Off Instead

Recently I read an article that explored the growing population of American men who are electing to forego dating/sex in favor of watching pornography, as the latter is more convenient, cheaper, safer, and considerably...

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Shitting On Her Heart

I have a surprisingly clear memory of exchanging Valentine’s Day cards in elementary school. One raven-haired, Crayon-chomping vixen struck me as particularly alluring, so I took great care in scribbling “Will you be my...

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Stupid Americans

Sometimes, while standing amid an encompassing barrage of loud, mindless, shamelessly self-important Americans talking ceaselessly yet saying nothing of value, I’m suddenly struck with the notion that, as a whole, we are nothing more...

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Steps

This morning I ate a few of the fat, wriggling maggots feeding on the putrefying gash running down my thigh. Their sliminess on my tongue caused me to gag, but as there was nothing...

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Crazy Bitch: Entry Six

An insane ex-girlfriend. A journal found. Published here and dissected by Jon for your enjoyment. Welcome back, friends, to “Diary Of A Crazy Bitch.” November 12 – “I finally had dinner with my family...

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Summer’s End

There is my brain: pink, pulpy, and splattered across the living room wall. That paranoid neighbor of ours no doubt heard the blast. He’s probably dialing 911 this very moment. Before long the police...

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The Top Ten Things To Say To Terrify A Random Old Lady

10. “Pardon me, you horny skeleton, but if you looked a wee bit more like my dead grandfather, Captain Leaky Trousers, I’d be willing to briskly rub down your inner thighs with fragrant truffle...

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Dear Jonny, We’re Being Pussies…

Dear Jonny, Answer some (more) questions… – Readers Dear Readers, “What do I do about the painful blisters and unsightly calluses forming on my hands as a result of the new gym routine I’m...

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Out Of The Depths

On August 12, 2000, a quantity of highly concentrated Hydrogen peroxide leaked from a poorly wielded torpedo, making contact with an unknown amount of rust. The result: Several explosions with the combined equivalent force...

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Sick Burn

I recently received the following message: August 11, 2012 at 8:22 pm Mandy says: “Let me explain something to you, you godawful human being. My boyfriend seems to think that you’re some sort of...

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Observations On A Rainy Day

1. An offensively attractive single woman showcasing every last nuance of her nipples while promenading through a grocery store in a rain-soaked blouse, wouldn’t know how to react if you approached her with your...

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Dear Jonny, Eternal Questions…

Dear Jonny, Answer some (more) questions… – Readers   Dear Readers, “While I don’t think being an asshole all the time is very nice, why the hell is it so much damn fun sometimes?”...

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Of Coffee And Fritos

Earlier this morning I trudged, zombie-like, into a nearby coffee chain, my brain in dire need of swift and heavy caffeination after a long night of frantic, booze-fueled writing. While waiting in line, battling...

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The Curious Friendship Of Otto And Clyde: Session 2‏

Otto: It’s great to be here again, Dr. Clyde. I’ve really, REALLY been looking forward to this meeting. You well? Clyde: I’m marvelous. Simply marvelous. But my god, man, what on earth has happened...

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Dear Jonny, We Demand Answers…

Dear Jonny, Answer some (more) questions… – Readers Dear Readers, “I know this reeks of cliche but my asshole neighbor is constantly walking his hulking German Shepherd on my front lawn, where it never...

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Crazy Bitch: Entry Five

An insane ex-girlfriend. A journal found. Published here and dissected by Jon for your enjoyment. Welcome back, friends, to “Diary Of A Crazy Bitch.” October 18 – “Last night at work I was in...

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Yes, There Is Such Thing As A Stupid Question (Round 5)

Recently I’ve noticed numerous people beaming with gleeful anticipation, barely able to contain themselves at the prospect of frolicking beneath the scorching summer sun, baking up batches of skin cancer while leaping, drunkenly, into...

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Crazy Bitch: Entry Four

An insane ex-girlfriend. A journal found. Published here and dissected by Jon for your enjoyment. Welcome back, friends, to “Diary Of A Crazy Bitch.” October 9 – “Still drunk this morning. Last night at...

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Not A Romantic Comedy

Earlier this afternoon I was standing behind an extremely attractive, poshly dressed twenty-something woman who, while sobbing intermittently, purchased sixteen romantic comedies (She made sure to announce the genre of her movies in a...