Posts Tagged by Shut Up And Listen To Jon
Stupid Americans
| November 7, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Sometimes, while standing amid an encompassing barrage of loud, mindless, shamelessly self-important Americans talking ceaselessly yet saying nothing of value, I’m suddenly struck with the notion that, as a whole, we are nothing more than a pesky swarm of cosmic toilet bugs whose temporary position at the top of the… more
Steps
| November 1, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Writing |
This morning I ate a few of the fat, wriggling maggots feeding on the putrefying gash running down my thigh. Their sliminess on my tongue caused me to gag, but as there was nothing in my stomach to regurgitate, I forced myself to swallow the partially chewed muck. Brother and… more
Crazy Bitch: Entry Six
| October 23, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Diary Of A Crazy Bitch |
An insane ex-girlfriend. A journal found. Published here and dissected by Jon for your enjoyment. Welcome back, friends, to “Diary Of A Crazy Bitch.” November 12 – “I finally had dinner with my family last night, the fucking psychos. On the way over I emptied a pint of Wild Turkey… more
Summer’s End
| October 19, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Writing |
There is my brain: pink, pulpy, and splattered across the living room wall. That paranoid neighbor of ours no doubt heard the blast. He’s probably dialing 911 this very moment. Before long the police will arrive, but they won’t know what to make of things. Nor will anyone else. After… more
Dear Jonny, We’re Being Pussies…
| September 6, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, Answer some (more) questions… – Readers Dear Readers, “What do I do about the painful blisters and unsightly calluses forming on my hands as a result of the new gym routine I’m trying?” – Stop being such a pussy. “I’m having trouble finding the balls to tell my… more
Out Of The Depths
| August 30, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
On August 12, 2000, a quantity of highly concentrated Hydrogen peroxide leaked from a poorly wielded torpedo, making contact with an unknown amount of rust. The result: Several explosions with the combined equivalent force of 4-7 tons of TNT registered on seismographs across Northern Europe and left two nuclear reactors,… more
Sick Burn
| August 14, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Bitch Slapped |
I recently received the following message: August 11, 2012 at 8:22 pm Mandy says: “Let me explain something to you, you godawful human being. My boyfriend seems to think that you’re some sort of unsung hero by virtue of being both big AND smart. He’s very big himself but he’s… more
Dear Jonny, Eternal Questions…
| July 30, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, Answer some (more) questions… – Readers Dear Readers, “While I don’t think being an asshole all the time is very nice, why the hell is it so much damn fun sometimes?” – While I’m sure different individuals have differing ideas about why, exactly, it’s fun to be… more
Of Coffee And Fritos
| July 25, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Earlier this morning I trudged, zombie-like, into a nearby coffee chain, my brain in dire need of swift and heavy caffeination after a long night of frantic, booze-fueled writing. While waiting in line, battling a wicked headache as I gave my best effort to completely ignore the artificially chipper, painfully… more
The Curious Friendship Of Otto And Clyde: Session 2
| June 19, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Otto: It’s great to be here again, Dr. Clyde. I’ve really, REALLY been looking forward to this meeting. You well? Clyde: I’m marvelous. Simply marvelous. But my god, man, what on earth has happened to your face?! Otto: That’s what I wanted to talk with you about, doc. Maybe we… more
Dear Jonny, We Demand Answers…
| June 17, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, Answer some (more) questions… – Readers Dear Readers, “I know this reeks of cliche but my asshole neighbor is constantly walking his hulking German Shepherd on my front lawn, where it never fails to take a gigantic shit. This has been happening twice a day since I moved… more
Crazy Bitch: Entry Five
| June 11, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Diary Of A Crazy Bitch |
An insane ex-girlfriend. A journal found. Published here and dissected by Jon for your enjoyment. Welcome back, friends, to “Diary Of A Crazy Bitch.” October 18 – “Last night at work I was in a bad mood. I came in half an hour late and the new manager gave me… more
Yes, There Is Such Thing As A Stupid Question (Round 5)
| May 30, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Recently I’ve noticed numerous people beaming with gleeful anticipation, barely able to contain themselves at the prospect of frolicking beneath the scorching summer sun, baking up batches of skin cancer while leaping, drunkenly, into stagnant, parasite-ridden swimming holes. One thing is for certain: Summer sure as hell doesn’t increase human… more
Crazy Bitch: Entry Four
| May 15, 2012 | Posted by cneralich under Diary Of A Crazy Bitch |
An insane ex-girlfriend. A journal found. Published here and dissected by Jon for your enjoyment. Welcome back, friends, to “Diary Of A Crazy Bitch.” October 9 – “Still drunk this morning. Last night at Sammy’s party I downed a bottle of Wild Turkey after snorting rails with some of the… more
Dear Jonny, Facebook Face Shots?
| March 15, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, You know those “girls” that take a picture of *just* their face (every fucking day) and post it to facebook like anyone gives a shit? What’s the best way to punish these annoying scabs? I realize that simply hiding them would clear up the Facebook issue, but I… more
Dear Jonny, We Need Some Answers Here…
| February 18, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, Answer some (more) questions… – Readers Dear Readers, “Last weekend at the club some huge guy repeatedly slapped the ass of the woman I was on a second date with. He was a lot bigger than me and I was sort of drunk, or else I would… more
She Has Failed
| January 12, 2012 | Posted by Jon under Bitch Slapped |
I recently received the following message: January 10, 2012 at 6:37 pm N.P. says: “This entire site makes me sick. You make me sick. Do you really think that modern day women will be willing to put up with your misogynistic bullshit in the real world? Of course not. But… more
Dear Jonny, Chocolate And Cheese…
| August 23, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, This is sort of a weird question but here goes. Lately my wife and I have been having some major problems in the relationship department. We’re doing what we can to deal with them (seeing a couple’s therapist) but something really strange has been going on for the… more
Chicken Shit
| July 20, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Bitch Slapped |
In response to my article “The Death Of Cool,” I received the following message: July 18, 2011 at 11:53 pm No spring chicken says: “You cocky asshole. So you claim these people were miserable but give no reason as to why. You think you can judge a group of people… more
Dear Jonny, Is Osama Really Dead?
| May 5, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, Do you think Osama bin Laden is really dead? If not, why? – Ralph Dear Ralph, I think that Osama bin Laden has either been dead for some time or is still among the living. I believe this because A) The timing of this incident – one… more
Dear Jonny, Philosophers?
| May 4, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, Who are some of your favorite writers and philosophers? I find Richard Dawkins,Carl Sagan,and Edgar Allen Poe to be my personal favorites. – Anonymous Dear Anonymous, Albert Spencer, David Hume, Lord Byron, Lao Tzu, Hunter S. Thompson, Samuel Coleridge, Ernest Hemingway, Albert Camus, Confucius, Dr. James Hillman,… more
Dear Jonny, What About You?
| April 29, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, Judging by your writing you seem like a smart guy. Looking at your pictures you appear to be, by superficial societal standards, a tattooed meat head. Clearly these two personas are at odds, or at least, the stereotypes are. I don’t recall the last time I heard a… more
Dear Jonny, Eating Sweets…
| April 29, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Dear Jonny, I am an athlete. I run, I lift, and generally I watch what I eat pretty closely. However, I have a problem. I have a terrible sweet tooth. I read somewhere that sugar is actually worse for you than fats of all kinds: saturated, mono, poly, etc. Would… more
Dear Jonny, Ever Been Knocked Out?
| April 23, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, Have you ever been knocked out? If so, by whom? If not, have you ever been close? – Tyson Dear Tyson, There have been a couple of occasions on which I took short pavement naps as a result of my head meeting concrete, but never has a… more
How To Trick A Woman Into Loving You
| April 21, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Commentary |
Every once in a while a man winds up with the sort of especially unpleasant woman who, for whatever multitude of reasons, deserves to be manipulated into believing that he loves her – when, in fact, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Constructing this illusion will cause her to… more
Dear Jonny, Sum Up The Matter?
| April 21, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, I just finished a fourteen page sociology paper on the causes behind modern man’s increased depression and decreased intelligence. I make some slick points at times yet I think I may have somehow missed the mark. I was wondering if you’d sum up your thoughts on the matter.… more
Dear Jonny, Hormones?
| April 21, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny, Exercise/Nutrition |
Dear Jonny, I see all these crazy new prohormones and prosteroids at supplement stores and online. Have you tried any of them? If so, results? Are they safe? – Trey Dear Trey, I have tried a number of them. Some temporarily increased strength. A few helped lean me out.… more
Dear Jonny, Problems In The Bedroom
| April 21, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, My fiance has always been honest and straightforward with me about his desire for sadomasochistic games/role playing. I’ve tried my best to accommodate him, I really have, but that stuff just isn’t my cup of tea. It basically freaks me out. He’s been cool about it and very… more
Dear Jonny, Extreme Eating?
| April 18, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, I very much liked the “Dear Jonny” in which you discussed your acquaintance who lived on nothing but meat for some years. Surely you must have been on some extreme diets yourself. If so, I’d like to hear about them. – Ed Dear Ed, In 2002 I… more
Dear Jonny, Wanna Fight?
| April 15, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, I used to come into that club you bounced at. You and those other bouncers were fucking dicks. How would you feel about fighting and putting the video on your website? You’re bigger than me but probably not any stronger. I think there’s a good chance I could… more
Hitchhiker’s Infinity
| April 14, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Writing |
The hitchhiker treaded alongside a remote stretch of highway while running his fingers across the blood-caked box knife in the pocket of his greasy denim jacket. The moon, partially obstructed by clouds, shone like a florescent egg yolk in the chilly night sky. The hitchhiker’s pace matched the rhythm of… more
Dear Jonny, Fucking Upsetting Girlfriend…
| April 11, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, My girlfriend has been talking a lot about certain ex boyfriends and how much better they were at sex. She does this right after we’ve done the deed, which is kind of fucking upsetting. She seems to really enjoy being physical with me but then why would she… more
Dear Jonny, Rock Bottom…
| April 11, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, Things are pretty fucking bad. I’ve damn near hit bottom. I’d go into it, but my situation is not anything that advice from someone else will help. But maybe you can make me feel less bad about how much my life sucks right now by telling me about… more
Dear Jonny, Vitamin C?
| April 11, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, An old acquaintance of mine is a self-proclaimed health expert who claims that he hasn’t had any colds in twenty years as a result of his consuming 30 grams of vitamin c per day. He also claims that upping it to 50 grams a day sent his cancer… more
Dear Jonny, The Most Remarkable Diet?
| April 5, 2011 | Posted by Jon under Dear Jonny |
Dear Jonny, What is the most remarkable diet you’ve seen someone follow? – April Dear April, I knew a very well-educated, logical guy who, after spending thousands upon thousands of hours studying nutrition, human physiology, and the dietary habits of nearly every culture on earth (with particular focus on… more
Shitting On Her Heart
I have a surprisingly clear memory of exchanging Valentine’s Day cards in elementary school. One raven-haired, Crayon-chomping vixen struck me as particularly alluring, so I took great care in scribbling “Will you be my Valentine?”, on a handsome piece of blood-red cardboard paper, before cramming it into a small envelope… more